The Modern Bathroom
It starts with the iPhone.
I’ll typically catch up on Facebook. Check Twitter. Look through Instagram photos. Sometimes i’ll even take Instagram photos.
Yes, I’ve done all these things while on the shitter.
If you’re reading this, there’s a reasonably good chance I’ve posted something on your wall while dropping a deuce.
Luckily Facebook Places doesn’t display this.
I honestly can’t remember what I did before the iPhone. I mean, at home…magazines. But what about public restrooms?
For the most part I thought technology had elevated the bathroom experience. But, the evidence I present here suggests otherwise.
Once all my apps are checked and updated, it’s time to finish my business. Toilets now are supposed to recognize when you stand up and automatically flush. I’m going to guess this happens about 15% of the time. The other 85% I’m stuck staring at my excrement wondering how to get the toilet to flush.
The little button. There’s always a little button. The problem is half the time it’s broken. But, even if it’s not broken I have to finger this little button which is surely full of other people’s fecal matter…thus defeating the whole point of this automated flushing system. Sometimes, you just have to let it float. I feel bad when that happens. Like I should go to church and repent. But what am I to do? The button is broken.
The harrasment continues at the sink. You wash your hands and then you have to use the automatic paper towel dispener. I’m not sure what kind of ninja, voodoo magic you have to use to get a towel to come out. I can never figure it out. Inevitably, some guy walks up behind me and nonchalantly gets a towel to come out of the dispener next to me. Hmmm. Maybe my machine is broken.
It’s not the machine.
So now I’m wiping my hands on my jeans.
My hands are properly washed. My shit is not properly flushed. And I’m walking out into the world with wet hands and a fecal finger.
