In The Closet
The first time I kissed a girl was in a closet in 7th grade. I’m not speaking figuratively about the closet. We were literally in between coats and stepping on the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner is also not a metaphor for anything sucking. I was in 7th grade, get your mind out of the gutter.
The interesting part is how I ended up kissing a girl in a closet. And, as I think back, this one episode has shaped my life more than I realize. I’ll throw in some of my life lessons at the end. But, for now, back to 1993.
Jason Priestly was in some flick called Calendar Girl. I can’t believe I remember that. I also can’t believe that I went with one of my -presumably - guy friends to go see that movie. But I did. I don’t remember anything about the movie though.
Prior to the movie starting, we were playing video games. Because, when you’re 13, that’s what you do at a movie theater. That’s because you get there early because your life is boring and you have time to kill in movie theaters playing video games. So, I’m playing this video game and this girl randomly walks up and tells me her friend likes me. See how easy it was back then? I forget the specifics at that point, but we quickly figured out we were both there to see Jason Priestly (who wasn’t!?) and we decided we would watch it together and hold hands. Because of this fact, I remember this movie being fantastic.
After the movie, we exchanged phone numbers. We didn’t have the Bump app on our iPhones back then. She called me (agin, the aggressor) and invited me to come hang out. This is where I thank the gods for giving me two working parents. Because I was allowed to go hang out at this girls house with no parents around. Good parenting mom and dad. I’m not being sarcastic, I’m thanking you.
So, I go hang out. Little did I know she had everything planned. She asks me if I want to play hide and go seek. Sure I want to play hide and go seek. “We’re going to hide in the same spot” she says. The logical side of my brain wanted to argue how this wouldn’t be effective. Luckily, I had enough sense to suppress that urge. So, we hung out in a closet and the next thing I know someone else’s tongue is in my mouth.
It felt weird at first. I wasn’t expecting it. And, the problem with kissing is you quickly realize that no one has taught you how to do it. In the movies they don’t really use tongue. No instruction manual here. I remember repeatedly scraping my tongue against the bottom edge of her top teeth. I have no idea why I did this. Not very proud of it….so I figured I’d put it on the Internet for 1.5 billion people to read.
Because of my, uh, unique ways of kissing I wasn’t surprised when she promptly broke up with me a couple of days later. But, I was thankful for the experience. And, looking back, I learned quite a few lessons. Some of them are true. Most of them have just gotten me in trouble. Here they are, for better or worse:
1. Girls will ask me out if they’re interested. I honestly never initiated a relationship.
2. I love going to the movies. Who knows, someone might ask me out while I’m playing video games.
3. Performance matters. If you don’t please a woman, she’ll leave you.
When I say “performance”, I’m NOT speaking literally. I’m speaking figuratively. I hope you get it. Now that I think about it, the vacuum cleaner was also figurative. One thing sucked that day. My “performance.” Some things never change.
